Say Hello To Dr Pipsqueak!

Dr Pipsqueak, the man who revolutionised 21st century psychology, is Mme's ex-professor and also her brother Spooky's analyst. He counts among his loyalists not only the who's who in the world of psychoanalysis and psychiatry but also those from the world of entertainment like politicians. Dr Pipsqueak, according to Colty's cliched summary, is the friend, philosopher and analyst of all and sundry. He was in the news recently when he signed an MoU with a well-known telecom company. According to the terms, for every call you make to Dr Pipsqueak, he answers with glee "Yeah, I am Dr Wily Fox. Tell me about your troubles" and gets paid handsomely in seconds by the above-mentioned company. He can retire right now comfortably but keeping in mind the interests of medicine and the wishes of his friends, continues to practise the "sacred art of healing."

Now you may ask how exactly did he disturb the much-disturbed world of psychoanalysis and create ripples all over the planet. Now's the time for details. He refused to endorse Dr Freud's simplistic and naive argument that a three-letter word is the source of all neuroses and later, banished the term 'patient' once and for ever. 'Patient,' an unmentionable term, is in exile now, and no friend or even foe of this marvellous doc dares to use the abusive term for it would simply show that you are yet to keep pace with the rapid strides psychoanaylsis has made since 2001. An unfortunate journalist had once asked him for professional reasons: "So Dr Pipsqueak, why is it that you don't use the term 'patient'?"


Let's wind back to what the doc said in a measured, soft tone: "Well...a man under trial for a crime is always the accused...And the accused is always assumed to be innocent till he's proven guilty...In short, though we might have seen him plunging the knife 22 times into the pink teddy bear of his girlfriend, till it is proved in the court that indeed we saw him doing so, he's innocent...Similarly, when a man is brought for psychoanalysis, it is wrong to categorise him as as 'patient' for I yet do not know something's wrong with him...He might sing like a canary and claim to be a cat and may even purr and meow...But till I've sat down and analysed him and found about the curious ways in which his thought process works, I really cannot pronounce him an abnormal specimen, a 'patient'...He might have his valid reason for saying and behaving in such an incongruous manner...And that's where I come in...Everyone who walks in is healthy till I certify him to be a patient...So till I begin my analysis, he's as normal and healthy as YOU are not..."


With that devastating punchline, Dr Pipsqueak established his career and killed that of the journalist. Since we journos belong to the same fraternity (or sorority), I had asked why he had uttered that killer line. Doc said he had been the journo's analyst for quite some time, and not even his editor knew the levels he could stoop to for that coveted 'exclusive.' Again, unlike Dr Freud who had a couch in his consulting room where 'patients' reclined and spilled the beans, Dr Pipsqueak believes a couch only adds to your upholstery costs (all sorts of characters lie down and bring with them their characteristic smells and stains, which they without fail leave behind) and increases the chances of infection. So the doc's preferred method of analysis is something like this.

The healthy fellow is asked if he's frightened, and till date, answers have never been in the negative. He's taken to a room whose walls are covered with frightening works of Salvador Dali. This is to ensure that the man's normal state of being in perpetual fright is not tampered with at any cost - this room resembles his natural habitat, and he is at home here. After the man has feasted on the scary drawings, he notices a metallic chair and table and proceeds towards it, drawn by an irresistible force. He is thrilled to see a notepad and a fountain pen, and proceeds to write, draw or practise origami. What he does with such inanimate objects apparently reveals much to the doc than if he were allowed to babble on a couch. Dr Pipsqueak has noted that though initially many may do several things with such implements, they invariably turn to writing on the notepad. At this critical juncture, the doc wonders how long he'll write. Again statistics reveal they will write till there's no paper left or the ink runs out.


The doc then enters the room (he had been watching the fellow all this while - yeah, right... that mirror - he saw through his manic narcissism too) and reveals himself with the line:"Hey! Say hello to your doc!" and in a chummy-like way, slaps his back and does some small talk, then slowly proceeds to decipher the squiggles on the notepad and finally, writes down his verdict in a few seconds or hours. And for those who cannot afford a private visit because of space-time inconveniences, he's just a phone call away! If you are still not convinced, let me impress on you the fact that Spooky and Colty swear by Dr Pipsqueak, and a day may come when even old PA would swear by him!


PSSSSST: When Dr Pipsqueak reveals himself with the line:"Hey! Say hello to your doc!", never ever ask (though you may have buck tooth) like Bugs Bunny "What's up, Doc?" as then your analysis would be reduced in a split second to the doc's laconic verdict:"Juvenile delinquent."