Colty At The Crossroads

Curiosity, which spurs people to do weird things, once gripped Colty and made him shell out a few bucks for a chick lit novel, despite Mme's cheeky warning that all he would encounter between the sheets would be watered down versions of her. After a few pages, he felt the entire chick lit genre was a species a tad beneath even trash. He tried to dump the book on Mme (with a look of horror, she had exclaimed: "Colt! You are succha pain in ma left eyebrow!") who said if he gifted her such chick lit ever, she would take it to signify the relationship was over, a red flag that Colty hoisted in his memory forever.

After the gang refused to accept such a pathetic piece of writing, Colty, who was at the crossroads for some time, decided to exchange the book. He knew the shop people would discover the book has been read, but went ahead with the idea. After all, nothing ventured, nothing gained...

He notices 3 salespeople manning 3 counters at the well-known bookstore chain - 2 chaps and 1 chick. Colty didn't need to be an Einstein to figure out which pair of ears would be the most sympathetic to his problem.The guys he dismissed of as being 'wimpish-looking' (here Colty empathises with the female customers who get a raw deal. Surely the store could have hired better-looking representatives of his gender? No wonder Mme, Mimi & Dot prefer the other bookstore chain, he thought). But the lone grapefruit-green-eyed (or moss-green-eyed, Colty is yet to decide on this contentious issue ) beauty, with burgundy-coloured hair and collar bones jutting out like two sleek strokes drawn by a Renaissance painter, Colty found particularly commendable. As Mme says, it's when he describes women that you realise the intellectual breadth, verbal skills and the eye for details and colour Colty is blessed with.


"Hi there! Lovely weather!" Colty ventures as if the painted darling was at a bus-stop, inside a metro or just a customer like him at the shop.
"Hello Sir! How can I help you?" Colty's first opponent asks in a business-like tone.
"Uh..well..I had bought this book for a friend but HE has already read it, it seems. So may I please exchange it for another one as I need to gift HIM a book? Here's the bill," Colty says with tranquility in a business-like manner, though his large intestine feels like it has been caught in a whirlpool. He hopes she had heard the stress on the 'HE' which meant 'am still unattached - am available' for you. Though Colty and Mme are dating, both when asked would say they are 'single'.

The bored beauty's eyes and hands feel the book, and her right eye twitches as if she had been handed a fake Rs 500 note by Colty (though Mme would say Colty and his money are not easily parted, even if it's all fake). She then asks the store manager to help her deal with a dolt of a customer. Colty turns around to size up his next opponent when what he sees staggers him for a nanosecond.

The store manager is a female carved entirely out of a huge mass of adipose tissue and whose world inflation is yet to despoil. Though Mr Chidambaram has admitted inflation's indeed a serious issue, she at gunpoint would never even admit the existence of a seven-year high inflation (when this blog was published, it was said to be at a 7-yr high...when you read this, it might have have reached even a 20-year high). Crude oil prices hit a new record daily, food crisis plagues mankind - but the store manager's world is immune from such unpleasant realities. Colty feels like surrendering to the heavy arms of this woman who is all softness with no hard angles anywhere, depositing his troubles at her swollen feet and wants to be buried deep under this comforting mass of flesh.

"What's the problem?" Ms Manager asks briskly.
"The gentleman here wants us to exchange this book. Take a look," she passes the book, along with Colty's fate, to the well-fed manager.
The high-density body holds the slim volume and runs her fat fingers through the pages. She turns to Colty and masks her accusation with a soft, sensuous voice: "This book has been read...We would have exchanged it Sir but these many pages have already been read..."
"Yeah, I said so..My buddy read a few pages and couldn't go further...So I'd like to gift HER a new one," Colty says, fearing he may soon lose this battle. He stresses on 'HER' to tell the manager that he had bought this gift for a special someone, who being a woman is capricious and the manager would understand his girl's whims and take pity on him...
"We understand your problem, Sir..But the thing is we don't exchange books that have already been read....
Colty cuts in with a devil-may-care smile which has slayed countless women: "I understand but it would be a huge favour if you could exchange it. Really.." Colty decides if she refuses, he's gonna fall at her Royal Highness' high heels, shed copious tears and bring the roof down with his wails...but he won't return home with that same old hideous chick lit specimen...

Colty wins, for the manager decides it's better to let the fellow have his way as he's a regular jerk here and asks Colty to go and choose a new one. Colty starts checking out the various sections - all the while, the manager is hovering around him, trying to act invisible. Colty, to rub in the fact that he's indeed buying a book for a friend, rings up Ozzy.
"Hello Ozzy? Tell me what book you'd like for I can't come everyday and get it exchanged."
"Colty u cretin! What's wrong with you man? Looks like you've lost it! Don't need any book...Don't even remember when I last took a book to bed!" Ozzy is flummoxed.
"Ozzy you oaf! Am mighty pissed off! Just lemme know what kinda book you want , you imbecile!" Colty rattles off the titles at random while Ozzy lets loose a stream of curses and disconnects the call.
Colty pretends he's still hanging around and says like a true friend: "OK, buddy..I'll look for it. ..If it's not there, will get whatever I want and you have to read it..."

The manager looks convinced and walks away while Colty spends the next hour buying a book for himself. He buys a costlier book and yet feels guilty for he knows the manager and the salespeople would soon be cursing his damned fib and relate the story when they sit down for dinner with their families..and so thinks how best to salvage his reputation. He finally thanks the corpulent manager, and says he will remain indebted forever for this 'huge help'.

Later, Colty narrates the episode to his gang, and it was then that Ozzy understood the curious incident of the book at night time. For four consecutive Sundays, Colty dragged Ozzy to the store while on four consecutive Saturdays, Mme gave him company, unwillingly though. Colty was on a book-buying spree, trying to make it look to the shop people like he had enough money to splurge, lil things like exchanges didn't really matter in his topsy-turvy universe, and he was indeed magnanimous enough to rain books on his friends out of habit. Hope I didn't look like a fool, Colty still thought though what is done cannot be undone...

He went to Dr Pipsqueak to expunge his guilt. The doc consoled his soul with words of wisdom: "These modern booksellers make profits from all kinds of devious ways...Buggers don't even offer discounts these days unlike in my days when if you bought one Complete Works Of Shakespeare, you got an Elizabethan English Translation, an Elizabethan Sonnet Collection, Understanding Shakespeare and How To Talk In Normal English After Reading Shakespeare for free...What's your fault? That you bought a book hoping to like it but it made you choke? Reading a few pages is OK as so many twerps come and read these books over coffee and then don't buy them, even after spilling their mocha or mochachillo or whatever on them...So just relax son..It's a good anecdote and it amused me enormously like it amused your gang...Ah, how nice it must be to be young and get away with lil mischiefs!"