Pipsqueakian Analysis - Theory In Practice

Dr Pipsqueak's fame spreads like wild fire, thanks to Mme who made her brother Spooky and her buddy Colty consult him...Colty was to later whisper to Ozzy, another member of the gang, about making old PA visit him just once....Spooky enters the famous consulting room. The paintings of Dali tell him in 1000 words that after an eternity of suffering, he has finally met the doctor he was looking for...and not losing a moment, wields the pen and scribbles:


1. Think i woke up at 4:00 am and noticed the cracks in the damp, purple ceiling and the plaster peeling off...cobwebs hang precariously, plants sprout from the corners, a three-inch layer of soot on the ancient fan...and desolation enveloped my being....

2. Toothpaste's cap missing, so had to waste 10 minutes trying to coax the paste out of the tube -and somebody had deliberately hidden my toothbrush in a bucket...towel and the magazines in the loo were wet...think someone had been using them or they had fallen on the wet floor and some unhygienic clod had just picked them up and left....

3. My cook serves burnt omelette and watery tea, day after day...despite repeated requests, she serves the omelette minus the yolk, which used to be the only bright spot during the mornings... always offers cholesterol as an excuse...loves to expose my ignorance of biology and chemistry, though I know cholesterol is a steroid...I don't see why I should be denied yolks....

4. At office, everyone tries to take a sneak peek at my mail, colleagues talk behind my back and make me pay for everything they eat...a few even hide my tissues, medicines, combs, cologne and pens...all these mysteriously reappear when I dont need them anymore

5. The office peon always answers back, snaps at me when I ask him about certain important matters, sends away my visitors and brings tea one and half hours after I plead for it and to spite me, dumps stale sandwiches on me....this has been going on since November, 2007...he hates me, I think...

6. What my peon does at office, the exact behaviour my wife duplicates at home...she also exhibits some unique, repulsive behaviour like nocturnal headaches & halitosis....this has been going on since January 2007 when I married her.....

7. Have begun my magnum opus "The Discovery of Colty" which is the unauthorised biography of my sister's buddy, Colty...have written the perfect first sentence too:"The accidental birth of Colty, who was conceived in Nainital, born in Tamil Nadu and brought up in West Bengal, was no accident as though his parents knew the dreadful consequences of submitting innocently to an all-consuming passion, they did not foresee that one rakish sperm with a mind of its own would seduce an unsuspecting lil doe-eyed egg to unleash a calamity called Colty...."

But the writer's block, I think, prevents me from going ahead...

8. My decade-old pair of clingy jeans aint comfortable anymore...am distressed...dont think am OK....

Think everything's wrong....

With that, Spooky leaves the paper with the doc and after much bantering, the doc tells him to return the next day to collect the results of the analysis.

Dr Pipsqueak writes back, and Spooky reads it, feels like Browning "God's in his heaven and all's right with the world" and sinks peacefully into a deep siesta at home.

Here's the doc's prescription for Spooky:

1. Try to wake up at 6 and arrange for a renovation of the house as it sounds to me like one of those dingy mansions one rented 88 years back and for which the rent continues to be Rs. 88 per month despite all the amendments to the Rent Control Act. And enlighten your landlord about the changes

2. Is Mme your elder sis? I had someone by that name drop in last evening and what was remarkable about her was her desire to do lil things to annoy her brother. When asked to give examples, she said things like hiding toothpaste caps and toothbrushes, something about towels. Confront her. Immediately.

3. Fire the cook. Forget the yolks.

4. The same things I've observed at my office too. So the inference I draw is all offices are the same. Learn to live with it. Pay them back - hide their stuff, read their mail. Aggression is the key. And it's fun too. Always look for entertainment, and it will spring at you in the last place you expected it - your office.

5. Did you forget the Diwali tip by any chance? Make up with him, quick! You think wrong - he hates you all.

6. Allow me a joke, at your expense of course. Definitely not a marriage made in heaven! (Here I laugh a bit - hahaha - and beg your pardon. I need a wee bit of comic relief when I read about the tragedies that befall men. Thanks). Warn your wife. Strictly. If her behaviour doesn't change after 3 severe warnings, resign yourself to your fate. I can see you are rich, successful, ambitious, great-looking and healthy. Only sore point is your wife, who spoils the picture-perfect life of yours. But that's normal. Thank God for it. Life was never meant to be perfect.

7. Publish and be damned?!!! Drop the book idea. Besides, it's mean to write your sister's buddy's unauthorised biography, while he's still alive. Perhaps we can revisit the idea later...perhaps, I said...And the first sentence of yours - I wonder whether Freud was right about the three-letter word being the source of misery after all...Kill the dreadful first sentence, PLEASE.

8. No, not you but your old pair of jeans sounds distressed. Change or exchange it. You are OK, I'm OK.
Don't think too much. I think it was Keats who said in this world "to think is to be full of sorrow.."

So I repeat, don't think...I can sense that you are already better. Good! I dont want you writing in another 6 months - I can see you are better already...You are perfect! Good! Good! Drop in whenever you feel game for a nice chat....Pips