How To Please Your Girl In 10 Easy Steps

Today is navami and I have nothing better to do now. I visit one pandal, and I feel I have visited 'em all. I am missing office. Seriously. So here I am again, killing time. A guy, the other day, was muttering how difficult it is to understand women. Like Freud, though not in his exact words, he wondered aloud: "What the hell does she want?" For him and all guys who are in the dark about what it takes to keep your GFs as pleased as punch, here's Mimi's quick fix for all your 'woman problems.' Just pay attention:
1. It was love at first sight...You saw us, your heart flipped and soon you experienced all the symptoms of a heart attack without knowing it. You recognised 'Her'! Chill. Count till 10. Or meditate. And then for Christ's sake, tell us what exactly drew you to us - the generous bustline or the expansive ass! Truth hurts; and we women can bear it. In fact, we can bear more than just babies. We are simply programmed that way. Reserve that 'love at first sight' story for strangers on a stormy night when all of you are trapped under a mobile phone outlet's awning and need to find ways to amuse each other...
2. Your past relationships are history. Absolutely! But not for us. We want to know about them as they would provide not-so-subtle clues about the kind of guy you really are. So just shut up and tell us what we want to hear, even at the risk of looking like a fool. You will probably feel like you have willfully exorcised the ghosts from the past for a few minutes and then for a few days, you will feel like you have extended them an open invitation to haunt you again. The sooner you lift the illusory veil, the fewer misunderstandings you create...
3. If you are curious about our past, just ask us. And if we talk about our ex-BF on our own, it's because perhaps something you said or did reminded us of him or we want you to know about our past. Stop hallucinating that we are trying to make you feel jealous or want you to emulate him. If we were in love with him, we wouldn't be here with you...
4. So your Mom's the best cook? We always knew it; just as we knew your Dad would never second that. So chill again. Perhaps there are certain - please note 'certain' - dishes she makes really well. Good. If we find them equally good, we will join the chorus and praise her too. And also borrow the recipes. Don't go overboard. Your Mom's as normal a being as we are with her normal share of follies and virtues, and your Dad must have had his fair share of burnt toast days. Relax. We don't intend to compete with her. We know the difference between being a lover and being a Mom. And no, all women don't think their Dads are perfect men and you need to be like them. Dads are just Dads; and you can only be you...
5. If we bitch about our friends & workplace, just listen to us for all we want is a passive ear into which our smoothly, concocted woes can flow into endlessly. Your opinions? We will let you know if we badly need them in simple sentences like - "What do you think I should do?" or "Please say something." Until you hear these words, don't volunteer an answer or risk an opinion. When asked, just say something that soothes her already frayed nerves to show you care and are there for her. For practical and intelligent advice, she would simply turn to a pair of female ears. So don't fret. Just listen. Of course, there are a 100 better things to do. Or perhaps 1000. But when she talks, you listen. Just as when you malign your more successful colleagues and badmouth your gem of a boss, we listen...
6. Flowers, pets, cell phones, bags, shoes, dresses, movies, cappuccinos, black forests, toys, ice creams & chocolates solve everything. Wrong. Crap. Nonsense. Rubbish. We wish, like you, they would or could. But they don't. And never will. So stop fooling us. And stop fooling yourselves. Repeat 100 times or better still, write 10 times - 'Money doesn't buy relationships.' Period.
7. Her favourite actors and sports stars are just that - actors and sports stars. She doesn't expect you to look, act or earn like them. And even in her wildest dreams, you are never gonna look, act or earn like them. Just as you know Shahrukh's mutton dressed as lamb & hams like crazy and Salman's all brawn & no brains, she knows Pamela Anderson is all silicon & botox. So just indulge her fantasies - like she indulges your favourite Angelina Jolie ones...
8. Her looks are a dangerous ground to tread. We agree. Just be brutally honest about them - things you like, things that can be changed for the better, her dressing sense or the lack of it, make-up, spare tyres etc. At the end of it all, tell her even if she ends up looking like something your alley cat brought home, you still love her. A lot. If you still don't love her, then you better quit. And if she can't take the truth straight, you quit too. Love cannot and must not live on lies. And you must respect her individuality as that's where her uniqueness lies. Don't try to change everything about her; sometimes, it's important to accept people with all their idiosyncrasies and follies. That's love...
9. SMSes, phone calls and mails are just a means of communication. If she cribs about how such things are missing suddenly, it simply means you have to reassure her you are still there. That's it. Don't offer stupid explanations like you were busy blah-blah. No matter how busy you are, it takes barely 5 seconds to ring her up and say those magic words again! It simply shows you care, and more than anything, that's all she wants...
10. You only have to pay one thing, like I said before - attention. Not all the time. But yeah, most of the time. And trust me, with that, you have paid more than enough.
Keep her happy & stay happy :-)
I have a feeling that I dispense better tips than the silly guy who writes 'Craig's Corner' column which appears every Saturday in The Hindu and which probably many read to keep track how worse this guy can get! Why doesn't someone fire him & hire me????!!!!!!!